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Matthew Keys (BlogSpot Syndication)
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| Intellectual Conversations, Part 7 |
[May. 24th, 2005|12:08 am] |
An interesting screen name came out of nowhere tonight...I pressed accept.
Him: Hey hey hey!
Me: Hi hi hi
Me: Who is this?
Him: Guess.
Me: I don't want to.
Him: Ask me yes or no questions. It'll be fun!
Me: Do I know you?
Him: Yes.
Me: Someone from school?
Him: No.
Me: Someone from Irvin [thinking it's Neil]
Him: No.
Me: Someone from UTEP?
Him: No.
Me: Someone from the Northeast?
Him: No.
Me: Someone from the Westside?
Him: Yes.
Me: Do you go to a private school?
Him: No.
Me: Do you go to a public school?
Him: Yes.
Me: Do you drive a really old car? [I knew who this was by then]
Him: Yes, haha!
Me: Are you dating my ex-boyfriend?
Him: Yes. But that's no reason not to talk with me.
Me: Are you still dating him?
Him: Yes
Me: Reason enough for me.
"Him" was put on block. |
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| Automatic Save |
[Apr. 30th, 2005|06:56 pm] |
I'm no longer posting at this screen name on LiveJournal.
I'm still posting, however, infrequently on ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) madrigalskylark.
If you'd like to continue to read my entries, you may do so at Xanga.
I'll be returning to BlogSpot via Coast One starting June 8th. |
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| Appeasement |
[Apr. 30th, 2005|03:56 am] |
I'm done appeasing everyone. Why should I have many different places to be? I'm all over the place!
I need to stop this, so I'm ending this journal. This will be posted in my LJ and Xanga mirrors.
If you actually CARE about me and my writings, you'll read me on BlogSpot.
You can find me here:
http://myspace.com/matthewkeys [MySpace]
http://www.livejournal.com/~fallenskylark [not about to change that]
http://matthewkeys.blogspot.com [my main blog, until June 8th]
http://oneopinion.blog.com
Starting June 8th, I'm taking down MySpace and I'll stop writing in Fallen Skylark.
One Opinion and Coast One will be the only blogs I'll be writing at.
Sometime after fall starts, Coast One will stop and I'll go back to the MatthewKeys blog. |
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| Beautiful Disaster |
[Apr. 28th, 2005|09:40 pm] |
Time here, all but means nothing, just shadows that move across the walls...
I have a major headache tonight. I think something's wrong with me, because it happens quite frequently. It's mostly due to stress, though...well, I'm almost 95% sure that's what it's due to.
Kara had her class officer speech today, and...wow. Her and Kyle both sold the crowd. I'm sure of one of them will win, so long as this election isn't a stereotypical popularity contest. I'm going to help put some posters up tomorrow for Kara. It'll most likely be in the morning, though, since there's a band playing during lunch that I want to go see.
I've been trying to push Napa, Luke and Travis toward the back of my mind, and so far, so good. Keeping myself busy is an awesome thing.
Today during courtesy, Zach and Theresa kept me company while I kept to being a computer hog in the drama room. Zach was making a failed attempt at writing poetry, and Theresa had us all laughing when she inadvertantly hit her head on the underside of a wooden table. Zach soon left and was replaced with Anthony, someone I've known since Freshman year (and he's changed quite a bit). To you Freshies out there, you'll look back on your Freshie year as Seniors and realise that four years of reality does stuff to you and the people around you.
It seems like only yesterday, we were all sharing cookies on the playground. Now, we're all sharing car rides and gas money. Times have changed, it's too inevitable, and it's horrible.
Last night, I spoke with Lisa. I haven't had a great talk with Lisa since the first time we talked, when I accidentally messaged her instead of Sam on his screen name. They're two people who are making my trip to Davis something to look forward to (I keep telling everyone I'm moving to San Francisco because it's the nearest metro area, but in reality, I'll be arriving at the Davis train station and then living in a little city called Vacaville). Lisa and I talked from 9PM to nearly 1AM...four hours of conversation. We talked about everything, from my crush on Sam (I've got a crush on everyone these days, doesn't it seem like?) to how long it takes (when you don't speed) to get from Sacramento to Vacaville.
Lisa is such an awesome friend. I mean, I only know her online, but she's definitely someone I'm going to get close to. It's not something I'm planning either--I mean, I can see us just growing and blossoming as friends just because we are two people who connect somehow. Lisa is going to meet me at the train station (I tried explaining to her that it may not be worth it because once we get off the train, we're not staying in Davis, we're getting a cab for Vacaville), and she's going to try to get Sammy to go with her, provided he doesn't have finals that day or astronomy lab that night.
We got on the topic of secrets last night. I told her how "friends" of mine, when they got mad or upset with me, revealed a lot of secrets of mine...but I never told secrets about them. She and I have that awesome loyalty towards our friends, that secrets are something you take with you to the grave. I mean, you don't even hint at stuff like that. We're both very strong people.
That is, until you crash your bike into a pole.
Tonight, I did something I haven't done for a long time. I used to find it so satiating to lay on my bed with a nice, soft CD playing in loop and doze off, either in daydream or in sleep, to the soothing vocals and mellow tones. Tonight, thanks to Kelly Clarkson, I did just that. I drowned in self-indulging thoughts and fluffy daydreams that took me on endless adventures of the past and looks into the future.
I saw myself getting off the train, exhausted, barely keeping my eyes open. I find Sammy and Lisa, and suddenly I'm filled with this warm feeling of home. I see two great people in front of me whom I can call "friend". Lisa gives me a huge hug and welcomes me "home", and Sammy's just got this smile on his face as he extends his arm to shake my hand. It's a pleasure to meet them both. But it's time to find my bags...maybe I could give them my celly number, or even my new home number, and we could three-way call sometime? They're just filled with this happiness to see me, and I'm feeling the same in return...
And then I realize I forgot to disable the sleep timer as the CD stops. |
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| Soundstage |
[Apr. 26th, 2005|11:22 pm] |
It looks like I'll be graduating after all...was there any ever doubt?
Today was the first full-day of school since last Monday. Tuesday through Friday of last week was TAKS testing, which meant I got to sleep in until the morning, and yesterday was supposed to be a make-up holiday for us (something happened over Spring holiday...kinda complicated to explain).
BCIS class went well. Theresa and I enjoyed each others company, looking up people she knew on MySpace and somewhere in-between, trying to get our work done.
English 4 went okay. For some reason, Lee Ann was irked by every little thing I said. Even our teacher was like "Lee Ann...breathe...", so I know I wasn't being that irritating. It must've been something that was going on. Maybe something I said? I don't know, I've stopped reading people altogether.
Algebra 2 was awesome. I missed my algebra teacher so much. I've told her before that the class is like my comic relief for the day. It's humor that's priceless...can't be bought.
My Novanet-Courtesy class went alright as well. I went to the drama room, as I usually do that period. Philip, to my shock, was there, so Theresa, Philip and I hung out. We went through costumes (Philip dressed up in some), went online to MySpace, talked about how cute Theresa's boyfriend is...typical teenage stuff.
Lunch was a bit different. I had to actually prioritize today. I spent nearly all of lunch in the BCIS room, discussing my grade with my teacher and making up a test. BCIS is a class that's had me worried. I would have needed a 94 to pass the semester. Excessive absences (mostly school related) have kept that grade slumping. However, it turns out that if I make up a lot of the stuff that I was missing from last semester, my teacher would work with me to make sure I got credit for the course. I'm now looking at having to pull of an 80, which is completely do-able. So the stress has been lifted, and I'm almost guaranteed to walk.
That's another thing, I'm contemplating whether or not I should walk on Graduation Day. I spoke with Michael tonight (Mirry's Michael) and he told me what Lauren told me, that I should do this for myself. Forget what everyone else thinks, right? But too often, I do. I like to think I'm considerate of everyone else. Michael thinks I'm a drama queen and everything is "rubbish".
I finally drove more today. It's a bit scary training with a state trooper directly behind you. Those are 20 seconds of my life where my blood pressure surely spiked. Thankfully, just as soon as he pulled behind me, he turned the corner and led me peacefully away.
At one of the stops, though, I did have two cars behind me. I can tell that driving is gonna be one of those things where you can't worry about what others think, just worry about what you're doing.
I only saw Kara in the halls once today...I missed my Kara. |
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| Smooth Sailing |
[Apr. 24th, 2005|09:28 pm] |
And so begins the papalcy of Pope Benedict XVI.
Yesterday, Jacob picked me up to head to the GLBT community center in Downtown El Paso. The guy giving me a ride is named Chris, and Jacob's "straight friend" is Randi. Randi is into photography like I am in the way that both she and I take our cameras everywhere. I thought against taking my camera yesterday to the community center, just because I wasn't sure it'd be a good idea (confidentiality issues and all).
Sometimes, I feel like certain memories should stay within my head. While I write about most everything in my life, I sometimes stifle some of the memories from flowing out onto these journals. Usually, it's because I'm afraid the memory will lose meaning that's sentimental, and yesterday was one of those kinds. I mean, I actually felt like I fit in for the first time. I didn't have to impress anyone or live up to standards set by someone. Nobody told me, "We don't do that here", or "Don't do that" or "Don't act like that". It's just...very free-spirited. A very nice place to be. And yet, at the same time, very hard to explain the feeling of ecstasy. It wasn't like "Addict" where I was cast away after a while, or like YFC where, if I became someone I shouldn't have been, I was cast away after a while.
Usually I bottle up at first meets. This time, I contributed to agenda topics and just...well, I guess, just basically had fun. I'm definitely looking forward to seeing Jacob, Chris and Randi again in two weeks. It's a weekly thing, but Chris and Jacob are heading to LA for a choir thing, around the same time our band will be in San Antonio.
I really wanted, above all, to get to know Chris better. I can see an awesome friendship forming with all three of them, but for some reason, Chris just stands out in my mind. I won't say too much on it, at the risk of sounding absolutely ridiculous.
Today was a lazy day, compromising Spring cleanup and watching movies throughout most of the day. I got through "Meet The Fockers" and "Shrek", and since FOX has decided to pre-empt all my programming tonight, it's "Die Another Day'. What a way to wrap up the week than with James Bond.
A lot of the so-called "pride" events that are going through the GLBT community center take place in June, and while I'll already be on holiday starting the end of May, I'll be leaving at the beginning of June. I'll still be here for the GLBT center prom and the parade, should they wish I participate. Like with "Addict" and "YFC", I'll show up if needed and wanted, but if not, then I'll stay away. That's pretty much a policy I've adopted toward just about everything.
It's a shame I'm leaving so soon. I wish I'd known about this sooner. I really felt a sense of belonging yesterday, like I was a part of something. It's a feeling that's indescribable, one of surmountable variable...unlike "Addict". It's really something that can't be put into words, but one that everyone might say is "no big deal". I don't know...maybe I just take things to heart too much.
Maybe I take the unimportant things to heart too much...and I've finally found something important to take to heart. |
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| Even The Stars Refuse To Shine |
[Apr. 23rd, 2005|10:36 am] |
Out of the back, you fall in time...I somehow find, you and I collide.
I think most of my musical inspiration for the past year (and I have LiveJournal completely to thank for this) has been influenced nearly 90% by Kara. It has to be a mutualistic thing, because I know that I've inspired some of the music she listens to. Kara and I just have this awesome taste in music that can't be bought.
I'm still the head John Mayer nut, though. That's a title nobody on campus, or in this world, can take from me.
Rob and I talked on the phone for about 20 minutes or so. I went looking through old manuals for various appliances I've got around my room. We had gotten on the topic of how crappy my phone is because of the microwave's interference. Come to find out, it has something to do with the frequency that my phone is (2.4 GHz) and the frequency that a microwave runs on (2.8 GHz...who knew?).
Somehow, we got into a debate over analog photography versus digital photography. Generally, all of my anaphoto cameras (yes, I've coined that word, "anaphoto") are crappy compared to my digiphoto (yet another word!) cameras, so I took the side of the digiphoto. I lost, horribly. It was at that point Rob decided it was time for bed. I sometimes forget that he lives two hours ahead of me. He did tell me about this guy he's seeing, Michael, which irked me a little, but there's not much I can do about that.
I realised at that point that I hadn't called Linda in a while. Usually, when she calls, I'm busy, so I end up telling her I'd call her back...but then I very rarely do. She had this guy over, JD. Turns out, JD "doesn't know how to use a stove". Of course, that's not entirely true, but according to Linda, he did have to call once to inquire how he went about boiling water. Doesn't seem that hard, does it?
We must've talked for a little more than an hour. Linda got to hear "Adia", the song I like to associate her with. She also heard my favorite song at the moment, "Possession". It was around eleven or so that I had to call it quits, because my kitchen needed tending to.
Today, I'm supposed to go to the GLBT community center. Jacob asked me earlier this week if I'd like to go and he found me a ride there. Since then, I've yet to hear from him, but I'm assuming all's good according to plan. We shall find out.
Don't stop here. I've lost my place...I'm close behind. |
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| Attention Grabber |
[Apr. 22nd, 2005|06:02 pm] |
So many people brighten my day, and I'm not sure why I only write about a few.
Kara, Kyle and Robby. I think about them all the time. I think about people like Chad and Linda also, but I guess it's the interaction I get with the three mentioned that just makes me want to write about them. That sounds horrible, I know, and I'm hurting feelings indirectly, especially since Chad needs me and I love Linda way too much.
I finally got to see Kara's campaign posters today, and they look really nice. Kara, Sarah and I ate lunch outside in the eighty degree dry weather. Since there's no humidity in the air, it feels like hell on earth.
Sarah was wearing this awesome shirt for her math club. "PMS = mc²" is what it said on the front. One of Kara's friends was trying to figure that out for the longest time, and even tried to get Stephen to make sense of it.
While walking through the halls of Chapin today, Sarah found someone that was wearing the same shirt. This happened to be where Kyle was today. Kyle's got this awesome camera phone. I never understood people that see camera phones as a necessity. I have a digicam and a cell phone...and I really don't need the two to be integrated. Then again, I love my little Nokia phone, and probably will have it for many years, despite the fact that it gives me issues from time to time.
I was hoping that our fourth period class would watch a movie, and they did. I wanted to go back to the French class to hang out, kinda like I did on Monday. So I did. I mean, what was stopping me? We had fun talking about crazy things...things I won't mention here. Manny came in shortly after, and I got into this whole rant about how Isaac and Chris liked to put water on my seat. Manny left shortly after, which made me feel somewhat satiated since he was sucking up a lot of the attention in the room.
There's no school on Monday, but what do you want to bet I'll be showing up to the campus anyway? |
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| Indelible Feelings |
[Apr. 21st, 2005|10:45 pm] |
I wanted to tell Miranda that she looked beautiful today, but I couldn't get the words out.
Kara has made me her official campaign manager for her Class President campaign, which means more busy work! I really hope Kara gets the position, because she deserves it so much.
The dancers were selling pizza again today, which is where I found Kara when I walked into school this morning. Kara and I soon ran into Michelle, and the three of us hung out at lunch. After we finished eating, Kara and I went into Mr. Cannon's room and watched some TV with two other people there.
Computer class went well today. I was trying to explain to Emily that this guy named Neil really wasn't that cute. She wouldn't have it, though. I'm not sure what she finds cute in Neil, but he looks to me like someone from That 70's Show.
I started feeling tired in English class today, though reading "Brave New World" is enough to make anyone feel awake. We've reached Chapter 4 and I decided to read furthur. I can read the first few pages ahead in the book before I get a headache, which is considerably good since other people don't even bother to try in the class.
That's when I noticed Mirry (I call her that, for some reason). She looked so beautiful today...I don't think she had done anything to her, but I could just tell she looked...full of grace. Indescribable. I'll bet you never thought someone who wasn't into girls could think like that.
And then I started feeling like crap. I mean, I know Mirry and I never really had been great friends, but it's like...I felt bad for the way I made her feel. I lashed out and told people how I felt, but...I lashed out at her too, when in fact, she's been there for me. I know she'd always be there for me. I'd be there for her too.
I don't know. For the first time, I don't know how I felt. I sat there, trying to figure it out, and I made myself dizzy with...frustration? I'm not sure what to call it. I put my head down on the desk, and closed my eyes, allowing my emotions to swirl in my head. I wanted them to escape through some opening, just flow out of me somehow, but they're bottled now.
Whether things are repairable or not, that's not my call. I hope they are, though. I made a lot of people feel bad, and while I don't apologize for what I said, I apologize for the way it made them feel. What I said in that post, that now infamous post, were my feelings. They were said out of anger, but the underlying message was how I felt. I chose some words that...maybe I shouldn't have chosen, but...they were how I felt. Feelings can be misconstrued, though.
But I did make people feel bad and hurt from the post, and I feel sincerely awful about it. I apologize to them in hopes of making amends with them, not to make myself feel better.
Tomorrow brings another day, another set of thoughts and emotions. |
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| Circus Pizza |
[Apr. 20th, 2005|05:53 pm] |
The leaves are always greener on the tree that's on the other side...right?
Melanie closed out all of her journals...only to make another one elsewhere. I gave her random props for that.
I didn't leave early for school today, like I did yesterday. I'll have to tomorrow (I need desparately to make up a quiz for a class). I got there about fifteen minutes after lunch had started, and since I couldn't find Kara anywhere, I decided to eat lunch with Gregg and Jack. Besides talking about Oscar and why Jack doesn't have a girlfriend, I can't remember much else of our lunchtime conversation. Kara came by me today, and I told her I'd walk around with her and Kyle...except Kyle left the cafeteria without Kara. That led to a twenty-minute search around campus for Kyle. I didn't realise just how large our campus was...generally, when you first visit Chapin, it seems rather large, but you grow to think it's small. Not today--finding Kyle was like finding a needle in a haystack of student bodies. I really hope Kyle feels loved after the journey Kara and I endured today.
I had hoped to find Kyle today because I wanted to talk to him. I think I said some things that I shouldn't have said, and I've been kicking myself for it since. See, I tell people that they can come to talk to me whenever they need to, and Kyle took advantage of this...I may have overstepped my boundaries on some of the advice I gave him, though.
We finally gave up about five minutes prior to lunch ending. Kara and I found a spot outside to kick back and relax, and Emily soon joined us. I could tell Kara was saddened that we couldn't find Kyle, and though I didn't let it show, I was as well.
The bell finally rang. I hugged Kara, and didn't really want to let go, but I found no choice but to go to class.
Classes went alright today. More notes in Bio, more videos in Chemie. I never thought I'd find myself staring at the hands on my watch, waiting for the bell to ring that would excuse us from mandatory education and allow us to go our separate ways.
Today has been one of those odd little days, where you find yourself not quite knowing what to do with yourself. I thought about reading, and while I got through a few pages of "Brave New World", it didn't satiate my mind, so I gave up. I tried watching videos online, and that didn't exactly do anything for me either. I tried listening to music, but it's all the same thing to me (which is surprising, given my love of music). Journals have been read, comments divided out, e-mail has been checked...I've filled my daily schedule.
Kara wanted me to go to Vineyard tonight. I wanted to go too, but I can't. I am looking forward to seeing Jacob this weekend at the community center, and meeting Chris (who, I'm told, will be giving me a ride there). I need to save my money to help out with gas, which shouldn't be a problem, seeing as how I'm skipping out on lunchtime meals lately.
They say "when you're bored, you're boring", so forgive me if I've bored you. |
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| Wildfire Born Of Frustration |
[Apr. 20th, 2005|12:24 am] |
You know what the worst feeling in the world is?
The worst feeling in the world is feeling like you don't have a friend around. The worst feeling in the world is having everything slip through your fingers. It's those who should be there for you, and knowing they can't be or they won't be, by accident or design.
It's knowing the people who are there for you can't give the greatest advice, and the people who aren't there for you could mean the world to you. It's the pain that I experience every day, the pain that settles in an emotional wound deep within my spirit and erupts like a dormant volcano...only erupting few and far between, but when it happens, it causes force.
You know how I feel now? Completely helpless, and worthless. It's a feeling I hate to have, but one that lingers on. It's knowing I can never love again, but wanting to find love so badly. I contadict myself in life, I know it.
I tell people, I need someone. I need someone to listen. I need someone to be there. I tell them that there isn't anyone. And you know what they say? "I'm here for you". Do they say that out of genuine feeling, or out of pity? I just don't know anymore.
I'm starting to enjoy the idea of complete absolution. Just, dissolving relationships with people. Withdrawing into myself. You know, that's how I started out, and I was a miserable wreck, but at least I knew where I was going. At least I knew that nobody was going to be there if that's what I did. At least I knew that I was a loner.
You know what? Now, I guess as to who has genuine feelings, and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of people who care one minute, and then tell me I'm worthless the next. I'm sick of being seen as this person who is driven for attention. That's not me, and I can't convince people otherwise.
This is a true wildfire of frustration. I'm frustrated with myself, and people around me. I'm sick and tired of people, I really am. I'm tired of friends, I'm tired of enemies, I'm tired of relationships.
People feed me this crap line..."You'll find someone, there's someone out there for everyone". I'm tired of it. I'm tired of rejection, and of pain. I'm sick and tired of it!
I'm not letting anyone in my heart again. Friend, foe, lover. Nobody is allowed in. The world can screw themselves for all I care. I'm tired of caring, of putting myself behind everyone else. It stops now.
If this makes me a jerk, then I'm a jerk. If this makes me something worse, then I'm something worse. I cannot stand it anymore.
Do you know what it feels like to want to give your heart to someone? Do you know what it feels like to love someone only to have them treat you like you're worthless? Do you know what it's like to truly love friends, but have them say you're a pathetic person crying for attention? If you've read these chronicles of my life, you will have met someone who does know.
And I'm tired of it all. No more friends. No more relationships. No more enemies. This all ends now. When you see me, don't give me a second thought. Let me walk past you. Let me walk on by. Let me be a face in the crowd.
Don't anyone say they care. If you do, you're a liar. Don't anyone say they're here for me. If you do, you're a hypocrite. Don't anyone tell me that there will be someone that I will come to love. If you do, you're a false prophet.
Don't anyone try to get close to me. If you do...God help you. |
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| Obvious Senses |
[Apr. 19th, 2005|08:44 pm] |
Today's lunch menu includes french fries and slushees galore.
TAKS has completely messed up my schedule when it comes to school. I didn't end up leaving until nearly noon, and even then I got nervous coming onto campus at a different time. I nearly left, wondering if I'd gotten to school too early, but as I walked over the bridge I took notice of a few people playing basketball at the outside courts, and I knew that lunch was underway then.
I found Kara while talking with Mrs. Vasquez about the new Pope. I hadn't really expected to see her, or Michelle (found her and Katie later) at lunch, but I'm glad I did. Kara told me how much she liked the MP3 CD that I had made her.
Since the dancers weren't selling pizza today, we had to find another mean for lunch. Turns out the EPISD Eat Smart deal sells little pocket pizzas, so Kara got one of those instead. I bought Kara a slushee, as well as myself, and we split on an order of fries. We had to go back for a spoon and some salt, though.
On the way to our usual campus eating spot (in the great outdoors), Kara and I decided to be obnoxious and yell out various names. Once we got to our spot, we saw one of Kara's friends walking into the building, and after we ate, decided to find him in Mr. Cannon's room.
Walking to Mr. Cannon's room, Kara and I decided to list every person on the MP3 CD that I made her. Fleetwood Mac, Josh Groban, John Mayer, Howie Day, Gavin Degraw...and, for some reason, she was especially proud of the fact that I put Jesse McCartney's "Beautiful Soul" on the disc.
Dale was sitting at a computer, while Jacob was playing guitar. Kara found this to be a perfect photo opportunity for two other people sitting in the room, while I just kicked back and took in the sites.
There were just two classes today. Just two. I got a huge kick out of English class today. We've started a book, "Brave New World", and it's proven to be somewhat interesting. Even after we finished reading the second chapter, I continued reading the third. There's a lot to be learned from a book like that. Hey, it could be worse...from what I hear, freshies are reading "The Odyssey" and as far as I know, the sophomores could be reading "To Kill A Mockingbird".
Tomorrow...well, there's a lot to be done. I have to call the PFLAG person to find out what happened today, since I couldn't get a ride to the meeting. I have to find out of Jacob (one of three I've come to blog about) has a ride for me for Saturday. I have to do this, that, the other thing...my schedule is constantly full.
But at least I passed English with a higher grade this quarter. |
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| Right Side |
[Apr. 18th, 2005|05:16 pm] |
I wonder sometimes about the outcome of a still, verdictless life.
I hung out today with Kara for the entire lunch period. Prior to that, I found out Gregg may be going to Philadelphia as an alternate for debate, and I sure hope the opportunity comes up! I think it'd be an awesome experience of Gregg was given the chance to go to nationals...he'd be the second Chapin student to ever advance to nationals.
After giving Shannon my poetry notebook to borrow for her project, I found Kara. Knowing that she'd be gone for the majority of the school week, doing TAKS or attending class. Kara's running for Junior class president, and I'm hoping she can use some help. I offered to be her campaign manager, and I think she's gonna let me share some of my ideas with her.
Today was the Junior TAKS party, and thought almost everyone in my class went, I decided to hang out with the French class instead. Mrs. Mendoza and I gossiped about this old lady who had a baby at the age of 66, as well as how ugly French Bulldogs were. Somehow, this turned to the Pope and Preparation H. I'm not sure how we got on this topic.
Debra Gulbas with the El Paso Times stopped by to take pictures of my little brother today. She had looked forward to doing some kind of a piece on him, but I think a fellow photojournalist beat her to the job. Nonetheless, she's a great person to talk to and have around. She talked with us while we were eating dinner, and took some photos of Dominick blowing bubbles. I'm not sure where she gets so much patience from, because I know there's times when Dominick drives me wild.
I got a message from Melly today. My birthday blessing on Oscar was more of a curse, or so it came off. So be it. |
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| Rhythms & Rhymes |
[Apr. 17th, 2005|11:32 pm] |
Lost and confused in a paradise of heat.
Yard work was difficult today. Just when I thought the job was done, something came up again. Whether it was picking weeds, spraying weeds, cutting weeds...we do a lot with weeds here...it was a never-ending job. It did end, though, around seven at night.
Luke and I spoke tonight, and we've decided to take things one step at a time. We're slowly, but surely, mending our friendships. Travis wasn't so quick to agree at a mend, but in the end run, we've agreed to be friends.
I think, knowing that yesterday would be the last time I was at a high school debate event, I had to push myself back a while. I nearly cried on the way to my home from Bel Air, but I was in our coach's car and I thought against it. I did cry when I got home. It was the last time...I couldn't believe it...the very last time.
You know, when I was in that car, I thought to myself...what if I never joined debate? Or drama? Or journalism? All of those memories that I'd made with people, all of them...they would never have existed. What would make me feel worse? Knowing I had those memories and knowing that I'd never attend another debate event again, or look back on the years of high school and wishing I had gotten involved? I'm not sure which would hurt worse, but I stopped trying to figure it out. Why? Because I had done debate, and drama, and journalism. And I had made memories. I had my first kiss and first relationship solely beacuse of debate. I made close friends, and even came out for the first time, in drama. It was people from debate, though, that had inspired me to come out--otherwise, I may still be a different person, a shadowed and untrue person, to this day.
With debate, I had a forum. I had a place to vent my opinions. I had a place to be myself...and I got awarded for it! What more could a person want? I could be myself there. And with drama...I got this unimagineable thrill every time I'd play a piece of audio, one song in preshow. It's like, people used their ears in those productions solely because of me. They heard tone, they heard color through sound, and that was all my doing. It wasn't a cheap rush. In debate and drama, I felt like I was on top of the world. I was someone.
And in journalism, I learned how to be an independent human being. I learned how to meet and greet deadlines, with either a smile on my face or a worry in my heart. Responsibility--that's what I learned. I learned how to be a better person. I learned how to open myself up to the world, to let possibility in. But most of all, I learned that no matter what, I'd have people like Anastasia and Marissa right there for me, as a family, there if I ever needed them.
I gained three moms my entire high school life. There was Sherman (have you noticed, in two years of blogging, whenever I talk about her I usually omit the prefix?). Sherman never missed a deadline, even if we did. She taught us that we were a part of a link, and that link couldn't be broken. She showed us that she loved us in various ways. She always made sure we had a ride. She was with us at every damn game, every night pep rally...she probably stayed way past 8PM some nights. What makes it more remarkable is that she would never give that job a second thought. If one of her students needed her, she'd never think twice as to helping them. She did a lot for us...and I can never say thank you enough. I mean...none of us can. This paragraph definitely doesn't do Sherman justice...it never will be able to. I could write a million words, and it wouldn't do the justice of the work she can do in an hour's time. She's a remarkable person, one that I admire greatly--one that I'm proud to have known.
There was Mrs. Vasquez. I can see her being our permanent debate coach. She believed in us, even when we didn't believe in ourselves...even when I let her down one day. I did let her down one day. It's something I've never been able to get over. I did it because I was hurt by other things, and I was foolish enough to let them interfere with something important in my life. I'm sure there were many times I let her down...but she never let me down. She was always there, no matter what. She was willing to work with us through a lot. I'm probably the most unreliable person in that whole organization, and yet, she'd do anything for me. Rides to tournaments were never a problem. A round could never begin too early, or end too late. I honestly think, if we were interested in an event, she'd rearrange her schedule, just for us. Just for, at times, three or four students. Do you know what that says about someone? It says a lot. It says a lot to me, at least. I can't repay her for the things she's done.
There was Mrs. Singleton. Someone I've known for about three years. Someone who didn't want to do debate when she first got there, but did it anyway. She believed in us too. But I could tell...I could really tell one day. Because she was the first adult concerned. When I tried to leave here, she was the first one concerned about me. One of the things I remember so much about our conversation we had that day...it was just us...was the hug I got, and her telling me I was a part of the drama family now. She considered me family? Someone who sat in a light booth and moved a few audio sliders up and down during a play? That's saying a lot. And then, I got it. She was another person who had one of those thankless jobs, like Sherman and Mrs. Vasquez. Someone who stayed late, someone who didn't care how long it took to get a job done, just as long as it got done. There's so many things I want to say about her...but so little words I can find right now to use.
I think these three moms really loved me. Most people are extremely lucky to find one person in high school, one teacher, who really cares about them, who will do anything for them. I've got three. That's more than extremely lucky. That's more than anything I can imagine. More than anything, I think, anyone can imagine. How could I get so lucky? I mean, I'm just Matthew. That's all I am--I'm just Matthew. I'm just a writer--I'm just a debator--I'm just an audio guy. I'm just me. As far as I'm concerned, I'm just another face in the crowd...but not to them. I guess I was something more. I guess they saw more in me than I saw. How do you thank the people in your life that make you feel more than you feel yourself? How do you look those people in the eyes and say "Thank you", knowing it'll never amount to enough, it'll never really show them how, in four years, they've made a part of your life worth living, without regret?
I guess I'll never find the right words. And that's not okay with me. |
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| Wish We All Could Win |
[Apr. 16th, 2005|09:02 am] |
People are upset with me, but what else is new?
Today, I'm headed out to Bel Air High School for the remainder of the 2005 NFL tournament. Not to participate, but to "assist in judging" (or, in other words, to watch). I'm also hoping I'll see some people from yesterday's tournament so I can give them information to keep in touch while I'm in San Francisco.
I had a fallout with a lot of my friends Thursday evening, and most of them didn't find out about it until Friday morning or afternoon, when I was already at tournament. Most of them said exactly what I expected them to say, something to the effect of, "I don't care and I never did". Which is fine, because, like it's been said, that was expected.
The tournament went well, I think. I got somewhat upset at a member of the Congress, but later apologized to the Congress for the brief personal argument. Luke was in my house, and I get the feeling that me, Luke and the Presiding Officer tied for last place, only to have Luke take three spots ahead of me (I came in 8th out of the Top 9, but at least I made it into the Top 9). I felt so anxious and adrenaline-filled when I left that day. I knew it'd be the last time I saw a lot of the people I had gotten to meet (I said that in a speech, how I'd created wonderful memories with a lot of them there), and I felt so priviledged to have that opportunity arise, especially within the last year.
I gave a lot of people there my contact information online, so they could keep in touch. I have no idea whether people will, but I'm hoping one or two finds their way to my blog.
A while back (way back...like on GreyFadedRain at LiveJournal back), I posted about this guy named Jacob who randomly messaged me, telling me he'd found me through LiveJournal and had kept up with me there. Well, he came back into play yesterday...I got a message on my cell phone from a different screen name and didn't know it was him until he told me his old screen name (who could forget it?).
Jacob wanted me to go to a meeting at a downtown community center for gay people under 21 (and straight people who are okay with gay people, apprantly). It's not exactly like a GSA...at least, I don't think it's like that. The way he described it is a gathering of people for safe fun. Okay...well, that could be literally anything.
Unfortunately, he told me somewhat last minute, but apparantly, they've got these meetings every week, so I'm thinking next week might be the start of a new thing for me. |
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| Possession |
[Apr. 14th, 2005|11:47 pm] |
Registered for Selective Service tonight...so let's hope the draft's never reinstated, or the military will get a little more interesting...
I haven't seen Kara at all this week, and it's eating me alive. One of my daily brightspots, not only removed this week, but it will be the same next week as well because of statewide testing. |
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| Fumbling Towards Ecstacy |
[Apr. 13th, 2005|07:19 pm] |
I have a headache, and I'm tired of hypocricy.
I guess it goes without saying that today was an extremely tiring day. A lot I got done, and yet I still have a lot to do. If this is the road to graduation, it's paved with migraines and eyesores.
Kara wasn't there today. Kara's probably the brightest spot in my day, sharing a spot with Michelle on the list of people I look forward to seeing in my eight hours of mandatory schooling.
The first two periods were somewhat okay. In Business Computers, I pre-started a stock market investment game. I lost thirteen fictional dollars, but gained eighteen (all in all, I gained five today). Google is helping me rebound very much (the stock, not the search engine).
Today at lunch, I was struck with the reality that Kara wasn't there. Taking a major leap of faith, I decided to head to the drama room. It actually wasn't as bad as I thought it would be--Jennifer and Ivan joined me sometime afterwards. Jenny and I were making the substitute very uncomfortable, though. We didn't mean to...it was just our "lifestyle" spouting from ourselves that happened to trigger a sudden absence from the guy filling in for our teacher.
Post-lunch, things were okay. Finished early in math, which meant I got to do more! During courtesy, I decided I'd hang out with the theater class (not the drama people, but an actual class). We went on the computer in an attempt to find attractive people from all over the world. No such luck...or rather, not much luck.
Went to a debate meeting this afternoon. Gregg and I were supposed to go over the bills, but as most of our arguments happen to go, it went from one topic (the electoral college) to another (Medicare and Social Security) real fast. It defeated the purpose of the whole meeting, but it left me with two things--a better understanding of Gregg and myself as people, and a headache.
I'm tired of hypocrites. I'm tired of people who are supposedly sick of others, but yet they talk to them. I'm tired of people who say they love me, but then say they can live without me. I'm tired of people like that, and I'm not putting up with it anymore. I was tired of what Lindsay put me through, and then Jackie...so if people like Melly and Alex haven't figured out by now, I'm not taking it anymore. I'm fumbling towards ecstacy instead. I won't fear love, but I won't fall into it easy. I won't fear friendship, but I won't take it for granted. |
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| Afterglow Of Dance |
[Apr. 12th, 2005|06:05 pm] |
I paid a visit to the journalism room today, which is a place I haven't visited in a while.
Last night, I went to sleep around 11PM, which is considerably earlier than usual. For some reason, I felt so tired this morning. Awkward, since getting more sleep should help me when it comes to the morning. Come to find out, it's going to sleep later for my body that helps.
Found myself napping on and off during my first two classes, but I perked up around lunchtime. Today was basically a free day during piano class. We were supposed to play "whatever we wanted", so I did...for about an hour. For the other half-hour of class, I napped on the piano while listening to a duet of "Ragtime" played by the amateurs.
Lunch was better than I had expected, except what I had for lunch. It took me a while before I actually sat down to eat. I found my old lunch group today (consisting of Katie, Gregg, Jack and Stuart). We talked about Stuart's mom and how nice she is, as well as how Gregg sounds like a donkey. I decided it was time for me to find Kara, so I set off on that journey. Halfway into finding Kara, I saw that the journalism room was open and decided I was long overdue for a visit.
The discussion in the journalism room during my visit quickly went to prom. Sherman was telling me how Marissa and Anastasia were trying to go to competition, but it happened to fall on the weekend of prom. That's when I made the mistake of saying I was thinking strongly about not going. I told Sherman that if I was going to go, it would only be because people said it's my senior year so I should go (to which Sherman said, "It's your senior year and you need to go."). I knew I was fighting a losing battle, so I slipped out when everyone seemed busy.
Back to finding Kara, I soon found I couldn't. I stopped by the Fine Arts building and met Sam and Kyle there, though I only seemed to ask if they had seen Kara. It's much easier to talk to Sam and Kyle online, for some reason...I get flustered when trying to talk to them in person. I have issues, I know.
After school, I went to the library to take a test for math. It was a bit more challenging that I would have liked, but I fumbled like ecstacy through it. I stayed for a while, and found out two girls that were there waiting for someone else to finish a test were lovers. I guess it's always helpful to know that there are people out there whom you can relate to.
I briefly say Michael and Miranda today. I meant to stop Michael and let him know that I needed my Creativity CD back, but I thought against it. I do need to get that CD back, though. And as for Melanie...there's a reason why I left my cell phone home today. |
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| Collision Course |
[Apr. 10th, 2005|02:52 pm] |
We are all born innocent, according to Adia.
I didn't go out last night like I had wanted and planned to, but that's okay. I spent most of my night watching stupid videos online.
While browsing, though, I did get to finally see the Jon Stewart interview on CNN's "Crossfire", which was pretty good. Definitely worth the download, in my opinion. I didn't see what the hype was about until I watched it.
Today, I've got homework to do and a project to finish. |
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